going vegetarian..and reducing dairy intake (i love ice cream too much) will do a thirty day trial starting today. exclusively breastfeeding so have to figure out the best way to go about in doing this. the weekends are really horrible to my eating. either we're too busy doing something to prepare a proper meal or ending up snacking too much on crap food. on a daily basis i usually eat 5 small meals and limit the snacking to healthy ones and the occasional chocolate treats. keeping with the 1200 calories daily limit more or less. i was at a ridiculous 162 pounds during pregnancy and now three months after i am stuck at the lower 130 range. the least i weighed was 129 when i got food poisoning. pre-pregnancy weight was 112 but even with that i was trying to get back to my pre-steve weight of 103 lol. alcohol is so bad for weight loss hah so i should really quit the sneak shots i tend to do when stressed or just want to relax. been doing the exercise vids on netflix. when i'm baby-free, i hit the beach or a nature trail. should try taking the baby to the park now but i'm a bit agoraphobic for some reason. probably because i am simply not used to it. need to push myself more. just that.
just brainstorming here of things that will make me happy. i think i owe myself to think of my needs instead of catering to others in what they will like and such:

go to a nature trail
paint/draw
go to the beach
hang out with friends (sandy wants us to finally go to a laser light show but steve's been holding me back, or i'm letting myself be held back because he guilts me into it saying he's not allowed to have friends, when all it is that i don't want him to drink and get himself in trouble like he's done before. why does fun have to get destructive? grr. i should just ask him to come with but i know already he's going to make an excuse how he has to work the next day and study for his exam, putting me back to square one, feeling resentful for being held back. gah! i hate relationships that can be so limiting to my growth. there i said it.) this list had a purpose back to it...
throw away stuff that holds me back...i'm really bad with clutter, but i'm realizing that clearing it up helps me emotionally unload, plus make room for new things in my life.
do more summer-y things.
garden.
get excited about baby stuff. i was never really one to oooh and ahhh over baby stuff. maybe surround myself with people who knows.
read more. right now i'm reading the celestine prophecy and getting into it. i love my p2 =) such a good ebook reader for when my mind needs to get off things.
k that's enough for now. enough to start.
Moon in Sagittarius: Free Love
The sign of the Moon in your chart can tell you more about your relationship with your mother. With your Moon in Sagittarius, your mother or other primary caregiver might have embodied the quintessential free-spirit. You may have learned that following her your own path was vital, and a bit at odds with the steady obligations of relationships. It's possible that you elevated your mother in your mind to a very special, almost divinely inspired human. Early examples of taking risks and not being afraid to tell the truth instilled in you a sense that life is an exciting game that serves up rewards when you follow your instincts.

As a child, you had an irrepressible spirit that wanted to explore everything around you. Following your instincts for adventure enabled you to excel at a multitude of subjects on your crash course in the study of life -- and you especially wanted your larger-than-life mother to take notice. If you idealized your mother too heavily, you could have felt crushed whenever her shortcomings showed, or an intense pressure to accomplish grandiose tasks worthy of her attention. Relationships in your adult life are colored by these early childhood experiences, making you a liberating force in others' lives. It can also cause you to push too hard, or make you easily bored when others fail to live up to your inner need for continuous exploration.

Overall, you exhibit a positive energy that says to others "we can do it," and you encourage your loved ones to overcome any obstacles to their dreams and schemes. Your naturally generous nature can make people feel more confident around you. Although it may be difficult for you to imagine life with just one partner, when you do decide to stick with that special someone, you fall in love with the same ferocity with which you meet everything else in your life. Your partner may be a god or goddess in your eyes, and they may feel intense pressure to do fantastic feats in order to keep up with you.

The key to your art of loving is learning how to use your natural generosity and openness to find acceptance for different perspectives. Being a free spirit doesn't give you a license to run roughshod over other people's hearts. Life may be a game, but it has very real consequences. Because you crave freedom and act on intuition much of the time, you may neglect to take the time to check in with how others are feeling. As a consequence, the distance between you and a loved one can grow to astronomical proportions as you continue to make assumptions rather than seeking out what's really going on in someone else's life.

For you, navigating the complex world of relationships is an exercise in finding the balance between loyalty to your own fiery spirit and commitment to working through the everyday challenges of relating to someone else's worldview.
i'm in ohio. so many thoughts running through my head. should be sound asleep by now but i'm still bothered...

honestly this is one of the times when i shouldn't say anything because i have nothing good or positive to say.

it's been a positive experience in many regards. i enjoy meeting steve's family. they are pretty nice and i feel for them. i understand the family dynamics better now. i am sad for his mother who married an alcoholic and is regretful of her decision to stay with him. i emphatisize with what she's going through even though i've only been with steve for a year now, but i can see how he's turned out the way he is, how her sister behaves how she does now, how everybody are finding ways to escape the past through destructive ends. i guess in many ways steve is passed it, some.. but he still insists on bringing the kegerator and his bar supplies down to our house in florida. it upsets me. i wanna leave him because i don't want to look back in my life and feel the same regret his mother feels for living with an alcoholic, however functioning. i don't want that for myself either and in retrospect, i feel like that was the path i was on. i have to wonder why i am drawn to addicts. he wants us to be more stable before he even considers marrying me. i go back and forth with what i want. part of him knows why i'm with him. we keep each other out of trouble, but life can be hell with the two of us. we're a match and it's disturbing to me. i don't want to admit that. he is loving and adoring. i am capable of being that, too. but i know all too well how difficult i am and i'm the least bit stable with my moods and behavior. i sometimes wish things felt more simple. i just can't see it right now. this is the card i was handed. while i say to steve's mother, she can change it, change her life, leave her unhappiness behind, i feel that while the desire and desperation is there, she simple feels stuck. i feel stuck. i've shared this feeling so many times by now. how i feel powerless. how i feel helpless. how i feel like i'm broken. i just can't seem to do anything about it. i can make life better for myself. i can see the better side of things. but all the same, i feel like it's a lie. i don't really know what i'm saying.. i just feel lost and hopeless.. hanging by a thread. accepting the sadness. accepting this life. i want to break the pattern our mothers set forth, but it seems like an ongoing cycle. do you struggle through knowing you might look back and feel like you've made a mistake? she says she realized things too late. i am realizing maybe i am hearing these things for a reason. maybe there's a message i might be missing... maybe i'm not listening to what my heart is saying. it says i don't want to hurt anymore. i just need to go to sleep now
I've been out of touch with myself so I'm going to TRY to put some of it down. I feel like before when I stopped with this livejournal it was because I was busy living life and not having time to write anything about it. So many beautiful memories could have been posted for posterity but I guess it saved the heart ache of having to live through them again. I will more than likely forget about this current intention. Then this post might be a reminder not to slip into a forgotten pattern. So much of life is behind these words, and so much of it is from a strange little girl finding her way into the world. I don't feel the same person now. I actually do believe I've grown. It's debatable whethere I've actually matured, but I am finding the need more so now to be more mature. I have responsibility outside myself. Those days of carefree and selfishness have to be put aside. I miss my youth. It was not wasted as I feel I tried to enjoy it as much as it is possible. That is likely why I feel there has been so many bad decisions that could have been avoided have I had a more level head and acted less on impulse. I may be sad about how things have turned out. I could have avoided so much pain. I could have laughed less and had focus. I could have done so many things differently but this is the path I chose. This is what I have to work with. It's fine and the experiences might better protect me in the future. I was a very silly girl, and now I have grown to be a very silly woman. Working to be a little less silly, but also working to get the silly back. That stupid balance. I was never good at having that. Still working on finding stability when the world spins too fast and I tend to get out of control. Maybe that's why I like to be in control and to lose it just the same. I wanna keep on drifting.. but I know I can miss out by wasting time just because. I really haven't much time to waste anymore.... Life has led me to this. I wonder why. I will keep on wondering.

Why am I having a girl? I am deeply surprised, although I shouldn't be. Maybe she'll do better. I hope she's ready for me.
turn a feeling into the forgotten
i have kept on walking
when all i want is back
so much is lost
what else to gain only to lose again
letting loose this grasp
feel nothing but detached
there is that freedom
that once was familiar
along the journey
we leave behind what was
and ties us down
change happens by itself
some souls are left to wander alone
i want to turn my life upside down
If you'd like to participate and help me out with this, I'd be so thankful! This is for my Human Adjustment class.


Describe a typical day in your job/career.

What are your job expectations and daily responsibilities?

Why did you choose this occupation?

What kind of training or education is required for this career?

Did your education prepare you well in your intended career? Why or why not?

If you could do so, how would you plan your academic studies differently?
What kind of experience would be ideal in starting out in this field?

What is the job availability for this career?

What is the salary rate pay scale?

Give some of the advantages of working in the field. What is your favorite perk in the job?

What are the disadvantages in this career? Are there issues of adjustment concerning this career?
I'm kind of upset. Steve is refusing to go to another doctor's appointment with me. This time for the first actual ultrasound. Last time, he was shopping and could have gone with me but said it was last minute when I asked him to come with me. This time, I gave him plenty of notice and is refusing to come for some reason. His excuse is that he doesn't want to leave work an hour early for an appointment. He said that it's just an ultrasound. I think he's being an insensitive prick. He gets all defensive when I told him I could meet him at his work and starts overreacting. I know he's been hiding this pregnancy from his family, but I guess for some reason he doesn't want anybody to know, like the people at work. I'm lost because it's not like it will get him in trouble. How could it possibly affect him? I am trying to find out. He acts as if it will. I'm met his boss and all his co-workers before. I've shared Thanksgiving with both his boss and partied with the boss's son and his coworkers. I don't understand and it feels like he's hiding something. Maybe it's my imagination...

Laura is going with me so I have somebody there with me. I just wish it was the baby's father who actually wants to come with me on this. I guess I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings further. I should know by now he doesn't really care. He said if I show up at his work or call the office, I might as well pack up my things and leave. He says it's harrassment to call his work and showing up would be tresspassing. He just left in anger after I packed up his lunch. What an ass.
Now that I will have a baby to think about besides myself, I need a viable plan to provide for us in the future. I can count on Steve being a good provider, but would rather not have to rely on him alone, or anybody else for that matter.

I plan on finishing school. Debating whether to go the nursing route or stick with chemistry/nutritional sciences and pharmacy thereafter. I need to figure out if I can pretty much pursue an online degree. My family's offered to help take care of my kid so I can finish up my education, but I would rather be there as much as I can. It will be challenging I'm sure.

All I know is I need to be able to stand up on my own two feet should things continue to fall apart. I have my family's support and my friends to help me with what I need and I am grateful for that.

Maybe I'll get my CNA while I can still handle it.
I can try to get a real estate license. That could be another source of income.
Brainstorming at the moment of what I need to be self-sufficient...

It's about time I grow up and this will be the push I need.
Steve is listening to some horrible hair band. It's okay he's making me dinner and I'm hiding out in the office. Space is nice and needed sometimes.

I am really over the whole being pregnant thing already. Not a day goes by that I don't have that feeling where I want to throw up. I'm sensitive to smells and motion. It doesn't allow me to eat as much anymore since my body feels like getting rid of it fast. I think it's funny though how my mother is so excited. I am too but not the way she is. She's making my brother bring me fresh fruits and vegetables because I told her we have mostly junk food in the house. We kind of remedied that situation but not to the extent I want. I want to go to the farmer's market next weekend definitely. I miss all those good produce. Someone stop me from eating sweets though. I crave the sugary drinks and pretty much the things I shouldn't have. I've cut down on the caffeine but it has never occured to me how much I subsist on it. Hah. And the alcohol, I guess I don't miss it so much, but it is amazing how the shift has been. I couldn't even celebrate Jen's birthday properly because of my quesiness.

Hungry! I'm going to check on the burgers. Can't think of anything but food when I'm this way. :)

ttd

Mar. 17th, 2009 08:49 am
study for stats exam
chemical pollution presentation
tracey's st. paddy's dinner
sociology paper redo cover page and first page
FIT
moving boxes
committee meeting (do homework) for spring fest

spring fest flyer
mid term evaluation for community involvement
clean apartment and house
see sandy
ultra ticket
flyer for election
homelessness presentation
campaigning flyer
publicity for APA Festival
flyer for facebook/myspace
campus newsletter

newsletter FAABCO (meet with bill)
type up minutes
relay for life
to all my single friends...

how the hell does one stay single?

i know i have a problem with it.. finding myself in another relationship.. going through the same pattern i can't seem to break..

on the way back from our escape from reality two weekends ago.. it was suggested to me to go to school somewhere south of here.. live on my own.. be on my own.. find myself before finding someone to be with me.. it's lofty dreaming.. but sometimes i wonder if i can do it.. i guess i never really have.. when i've tried it in sarasota i found myself in relationships.. when i tried it here, it only lasted a couple of months before i'm caught in the same web..

i suppose it's just my personality?
i don't like to be alone

there's the truth for ya hah


google map is awesome
yes i'm bad with updating this or replying..
simply procrastinating with stats so hey i thought i will kill time with lj just not that much
today we're looking at another house.. even though the paisley one is one we both love and it's up to him whether he's willing
the downside is that it is far away from civilization as i know it
but not like that it matters these days because life is school and activities
horoscope today said go have a field trip and it's tempting because i just got done with a midterm and now a quiz is on the horizon i should study
but yes, house... need to get moved in pretty soon as the contract runs out the 31st?
i'm still on the fence about this relationship
pretty honest with him where my mind is at
part of me feels a pull to separate and be true to who i am
but part of me feels that i could also be just imagining all this and i am just being ungrateful
it is just difficult to be in a relationship
period
at least i am trying to be happy
even if it makes him unhappy
when i breakaway
when i leave and be with friends
friends who are telling me to leave
i guess i should understand that every body means well
and it is up to me whether this is the life i want
i can easily change it
i simply feel stuck
in between decisions
in between lives
i like this..
"beautiful fluid like change.....is better than stagnant stability...give me constant progression...digression, high's, low's, a roller coaster to repair my soul"
i have a feeling i'm hearing what i need to hear
but to recognize to make a move is where i am
i feel tugged back in time
and i just want to undo all the stupid i've done
and keep the beautiful things in between
get back who i was or am
but still remain the same
wash my brain? sounds good
it's gone dirty along the way

hah
i want a new boyfriend
this is how i feel
passed over
unloved and utterly hurt
when you lie about what i see
and tell me i am crazy
when all it is that you
can't admit you are lying to my face
and finding yourself caught
i'm tired of this
i'm tired of pushing forth when it's been tumbling down
to nothing
i can't fake it anymore
i'm tired of this lie
simply tired
of us
i've felt so far away in so long
stranger to you
stranger to me
strangled in this
relationship is work in progress. i go between bailing out completely and staying because there is that part of me that truly loves this man but then again there's the me that likes to run. i could benefit from counseling. i should look into the women's center.

classes have started. i had speech today and intro to sociology. aside from that, my courseload is a jumble of things i need to get through this semester and on to the next chapter. not looking forward to statistics. should be fine in human development and community involvement. i feel so disconnected that this should all prove interesting.

trying to be more active to soothe my over active mind. if i can stick with walking the turkey trail and the going to the gym at least once a week, i should be in better shape. steve wants me to wake up with him at 5 to work out at the home gym. i have no problem with this, but he could use the motivation. who really likes waking up that early in the morning?

i'm still pissed about the big fight last thursday. i'm banned from tapps til i don't know when. i find that to be good actually i hate the place, i only tolerate it because him and his friends hang out there. but i could see how this will be a problem with us. so frustrating.

six more months and maybe i can leave this life behind. start anew. but then why wait til then. i just want a happier existence and maybe developing a stronger mind can help with that.

so much marketing work to do. time to dig up and dust off the ibook.

i got the samsung p2 for christmas and i've already overloaded it with data. yeahhh it might be time for spring cleaning already. create space for the new.
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