Jul. 18th, 2009

i'm in ohio. so many thoughts running through my head. should be sound asleep by now but i'm still bothered...

honestly this is one of the times when i shouldn't say anything because i have nothing good or positive to say.

it's been a positive experience in many regards. i enjoy meeting steve's family. they are pretty nice and i feel for them. i understand the family dynamics better now. i am sad for his mother who married an alcoholic and is regretful of her decision to stay with him. i emphatisize with what she's going through even though i've only been with steve for a year now, but i can see how he's turned out the way he is, how her sister behaves how she does now, how everybody are finding ways to escape the past through destructive ends. i guess in many ways steve is passed it, some.. but he still insists on bringing the kegerator and his bar supplies down to our house in florida. it upsets me. i wanna leave him because i don't want to look back in my life and feel the same regret his mother feels for living with an alcoholic, however functioning. i don't want that for myself either and in retrospect, i feel like that was the path i was on. i have to wonder why i am drawn to addicts. he wants us to be more stable before he even considers marrying me. i go back and forth with what i want. part of him knows why i'm with him. we keep each other out of trouble, but life can be hell with the two of us. we're a match and it's disturbing to me. i don't want to admit that. he is loving and adoring. i am capable of being that, too. but i know all too well how difficult i am and i'm the least bit stable with my moods and behavior. i sometimes wish things felt more simple. i just can't see it right now. this is the card i was handed. while i say to steve's mother, she can change it, change her life, leave her unhappiness behind, i feel that while the desire and desperation is there, she simple feels stuck. i feel stuck. i've shared this feeling so many times by now. how i feel powerless. how i feel helpless. how i feel like i'm broken. i just can't seem to do anything about it. i can make life better for myself. i can see the better side of things. but all the same, i feel like it's a lie. i don't really know what i'm saying.. i just feel lost and hopeless.. hanging by a thread. accepting the sadness. accepting this life. i want to break the pattern our mothers set forth, but it seems like an ongoing cycle. do you struggle through knowing you might look back and feel like you've made a mistake? she says she realized things too late. i am realizing maybe i am hearing these things for a reason. maybe there's a message i might be missing... maybe i'm not listening to what my heart is saying. it says i don't want to hurt anymore. i just need to go to sleep now



March 2010


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