Jul. 10th, 2009

I've been out of touch with myself so I'm going to TRY to put some of it down. I feel like before when I stopped with this livejournal it was because I was busy living life and not having time to write anything about it. So many beautiful memories could have been posted for posterity but I guess it saved the heart ache of having to live through them again. I will more than likely forget about this current intention. Then this post might be a reminder not to slip into a forgotten pattern. So much of life is behind these words, and so much of it is from a strange little girl finding her way into the world. I don't feel the same person now. I actually do believe I've grown. It's debatable whethere I've actually matured, but I am finding the need more so now to be more mature. I have responsibility outside myself. Those days of carefree and selfishness have to be put aside. I miss my youth. It was not wasted as I feel I tried to enjoy it as much as it is possible. That is likely why I feel there has been so many bad decisions that could have been avoided have I had a more level head and acted less on impulse. I may be sad about how things have turned out. I could have avoided so much pain. I could have laughed less and had focus. I could have done so many things differently but this is the path I chose. This is what I have to work with. It's fine and the experiences might better protect me in the future. I was a very silly girl, and now I have grown to be a very silly woman. Working to be a little less silly, but also working to get the silly back. That stupid balance. I was never good at having that. Still working on finding stability when the world spins too fast and I tend to get out of control. Maybe that's why I like to be in control and to lose it just the same. I wanna keep on drifting.. but I know I can miss out by wasting time just because. I really haven't much time to waste anymore.... Life has led me to this. I wonder why. I will keep on wondering.

Why am I having a girl? I am deeply surprised, although I shouldn't be. Maybe she'll do better. I hope she's ready for me.

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elyouc

March 2010

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