the clock is ticking

Moon in Sagittarius: Free Love
The sign of the Moon in your chart can tell you more about your relationship with your mother. With your Moon in Sagittarius, your mother or other primary caregiver might have embodied the quintessential free-spirit. You may have learned that following her your own path was vital, and a bit at odds with the steady obligations of relationships. It's possible that you elevated your mother in your mind to a very special, almost divinely inspired human. Early examples of taking risks and not being afraid to tell the truth instilled in you a sense that life is an exciting game that serves up rewards when you follow your instincts.

As a child, you had an irrepressible spirit that wanted to explore everything around you. Following your instincts for adventure enabled you to excel at a multitude of subjects on your crash course in the study of life -- and you especially wanted your larger-than-life mother to take notice. If you idealized your mother too heavily, you could have felt crushed whenever her shortcomings showed, or an intense pressure to accomplish grandiose tasks worthy of her attention. Relationships in your adult life are colored by these early childhood experiences, making you a liberating force in others' lives. It can also cause you to push too hard, or make you easily bored when others fail to live up to your inner need for continuous exploration.

Overall, you exhibit a positive energy that says to others "we can do it," and you encourage your loved ones to overcome any obstacles to their dreams and schemes. Your naturally generous nature can make people feel more confident around you. Although it may be difficult for you to imagine life with just one partner, when you do decide to stick with that special someone, you fall in love with the same ferocity with which you meet everything else in your life. Your partner may be a god or goddess in your eyes, and they may feel intense pressure to do fantastic feats in order to keep up with you.

The key to your art of loving is learning how to use your natural generosity and openness to find acceptance for different perspectives. Being a free spirit doesn't give you a license to run roughshod over other people's hearts. Life may be a game, but it has very real consequences. Because you crave freedom and act on intuition much of the time, you may neglect to take the time to check in with how others are feeling. As a consequence, the distance between you and a loved one can grow to astronomical proportions as you continue to make assumptions rather than seeking out what's really going on in someone else's life.

For you, navigating the complex world of relationships is an exercise in finding the balance between loyalty to your own fiery spirit and commitment to working through the everyday challenges of relating to someone else's worldview.

I've been out of touch with myself so I'm going to TRY to put some of it down. I feel like before when I stopped with this livejournal it was because I was busy living life and not having time to write anything about it. So many beautiful memories could have been posted for posterity but I guess it saved the heart ache of having to live through them again. I will more than likely forget about this current intention. Then this post might be a reminder not to slip into a forgotten pattern. So much of life is behind these words, and so much of it is from a strange little girl finding her way into the world. I don't feel the same person now. I actually do believe I've grown. It's debatable whethere I've actually matured, but I am finding the need more so now to be more mature. I have responsibility outside myself. Those days of carefree and selfishness have to be put aside. I miss my youth. It was not wasted as I feel I tried to enjoy it as much as it is possible. That is likely why I feel there has been so many bad decisions that could have been avoided have I had a more level head and acted less on impulse. I may be sad about how things have turned out. I could have avoided so much pain. I could have laughed less and had focus. I could have done so many things differently but this is the path I chose. This is what I have to work with. It's fine and the experiences might better protect me in the future. I was a very silly girl, and now I have grown to be a very silly woman. Working to be a little less silly, but also working to get the silly back. That stupid balance. I was never good at having that. Still working on finding stability when the world spins too fast and I tend to get out of control. Maybe that's why I like to be in control and to lose it just the same. I wanna keep on drifting.. but I know I can miss out by wasting time just because. I really haven't much time to waste anymore.... Life has led me to this. I wonder why. I will keep on wondering.

Why am I having a girl? I am deeply surprised, although I shouldn't be. Maybe she'll do better. I hope she's ready for me.

i want to turn my life upside down

I'm kind of upset. Steve is refusing to go to another doctor's appointment with me. This time for the first actual ultrasound. Last time, he was shopping and could have gone with me but said it was last minute when I asked him to come with me. This time, I gave him plenty of notice and is refusing to come for some reason. His excuse is that he doesn't want to leave work an hour early for an appointment. He said that it's just an ultrasound. I think he's being an insensitive prick. He gets all defensive when I told him I could meet him at his work and starts overreacting. I know he's been hiding this pregnancy from his family, but I guess for some reason he doesn't want anybody to know, like the people at work. I'm lost because it's not like it will get him in trouble. How could it possibly affect him? I am trying to find out. He acts as if it will. I'm met his boss and all his co-workers before. I've shared Thanksgiving with both his boss and partied with the boss's son and his coworkers. I don't understand and it feels like he's hiding something. Maybe it's my imagination...

Laura is going with me so I have somebody there with me. I just wish it was the baby's father who actually wants to come with me on this. I guess I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings further. I should know by now he doesn't really care. He said if I show up at his work or call the office, I might as well pack up my things and leave. He says it's harrassment to call his work and showing up would be tresspassing. He just left in anger after I packed up his lunch. What an ass.

Steve is listening to some horrible hair band. It's okay he's making me dinner and I'm hiding out in the office. Space is nice and needed sometimes.

I am really over the whole being pregnant thing already. Not a day goes by that I don't have that feeling where I want to throw up. I'm sensitive to smells and motion. It doesn't allow me to eat as much anymore since my body feels like getting rid of it fast. I think it's funny though how my mother is so excited. I am too but not the way she is. She's making my brother bring me fresh fruits and vegetables because I told her we have mostly junk food in the house. We kind of remedied that situation but not to the extent I want. I want to go to the farmer's market next weekend definitely. I miss all those good produce. Someone stop me from eating sweets though. I crave the sugary drinks and pretty much the things I shouldn't have. I've cut down on the caffeine but it has never occured to me how much I subsist on it. Hah. And the alcohol, I guess I don't miss it so much, but it is amazing how the shift has been. I couldn't even celebrate Jen's birthday properly because of my quesiness.

Hungry! I'm going to check on the burgers. Can't think of anything but food when I'm this way. :)

to all my single friends...

how the hell does one stay single?

i know i have a problem with it.. finding myself in another relationship.. going through the same pattern i can't seem to break..

on the way back from our escape from reality two weekends ago.. it was suggested to me to go to school somewhere south of here.. live on my own.. be on my own.. find myself before finding someone to be with me.. it's lofty dreaming.. but sometimes i wonder if i can do it.. i guess i never really have.. when i've tried it in sarasota i found myself in relationships.. when i tried it here, it only lasted a couple of months before i'm caught in the same web..

i suppose it's just my personality?
i don't like to be alone

there's the truth for ya hah

yes i'm bad with updating this or replying..
simply procrastinating with stats so hey i thought i will kill time with lj just not that much
today we're looking at another house.. even though the paisley one is one we both love and it's up to him whether he's willing
the downside is that it is far away from civilization as i know it
but not like that it matters these days because life is school and activities
horoscope today said go have a field trip and it's tempting because i just got done with a midterm and now a quiz is on the horizon i should study
but yes, house... need to get moved in pretty soon as the contract runs out the 31st?
i'm still on the fence about this relationship
pretty honest with him where my mind is at
part of me feels a pull to separate and be true to who i am
but part of me feels that i could also be just imagining all this and i am just being ungrateful
it is just difficult to be in a relationship
period
at least i am trying to be happy
even if it makes him unhappy
when i breakaway
when i leave and be with friends
friends who are telling me to leave
i guess i should understand that every body means well
and it is up to me whether this is the life i want
i can easily change it
i simply feel stuck
in between decisions
in between lives
i like this..
"beautiful fluid like change.....is better than stagnant stability...give me constant progression...digression, high's, low's, a roller coaster to repair my soul"
i have a feeling i'm hearing what i need to hear
but to recognize to make a move is where i am

i want a new boyfriend

relationship is work in progress. i go between bailing out completely and staying because there is that part of me that truly loves this man but then again there's the me that likes to run. i could benefit from counseling. i should look into the women's center.

classes have started. i had speech today and intro to sociology. aside from that, my courseload is a jumble of things i need to get through this semester and on to the next chapter. not looking forward to statistics. should be fine in human development and community involvement. i feel so disconnected that this should all prove interesting.

trying to be more active to soothe my over active mind. if i can stick with walking the turkey trail and the going to the gym at least once a week, i should be in better shape. steve wants me to wake up with him at 5 to work out at the home gym. i have no problem with this, but he could use the motivation. who really likes waking up that early in the morning?

i'm still pissed about the big fight last thursday. i'm banned from tapps til i don't know when. i find that to be good actually i hate the place, i only tolerate it because him and his friends hang out there. but i could see how this will be a problem with us. so frustrating.

six more months and maybe i can leave this life behind. start anew. but then why wait til then. i just want a happier existence and maybe developing a stronger mind can help with that.

so much marketing work to do. time to dig up and dust off the ibook.

i got the samsung p2 for christmas and i've already overloaded it with data. yeahhh it might be time for spring cleaning already. create space for the new.