elyouc | (no subject)

I've been out of touch with myself so I'm going to TRY to put some of it down. I feel like before when I stopped with this livejournal it was because I was busy living life and not having time to write anything about it. So many beautiful memories could have been posted for posterity but I guess it saved the heart ache of having to live through them again. I will more than likely forget about this current intention. Then this post might be a reminder not to slip into a forgotten pattern. So much of life is behind these words, and so much of it is from a strange little girl finding her way into the world. I don't feel the same person now. I actually do believe I've grown. It's debatable whethere I've actually matured, but I am finding the need more so now to be more mature. I have responsibility outside myself. Those days of carefree and selfishness have to be put aside. I miss my youth. It was not wasted as I feel I tried to enjoy it as much as it is possible. That is likely why I feel there has been so many bad decisions that could have been avoided have I had a more level head and acted less on impulse. I may be sad about how things have turned out. I could have avoided so much pain. I could have laughed less and had focus. I could have done so many things differently but this is the path I chose. This is what I have to work with. It's fine and the experiences might better protect me in the future. I was a very silly girl, and now I have grown to be a very silly woman. Working to be a little less silly, but also working to get the silly back. That stupid balance. I was never good at having that. Still working on finding stability when the world spins too fast and I tend to get out of control. Maybe that's why I like to be in control and to lose it just the same. I wanna keep on drifting.. but I know I can miss out by wasting time just because. I really haven't much time to waste anymore.... Life has led me to this. I wonder why. I will keep on wondering.

Why am I having a girl? I am deeply surprised, although I shouldn't be. Maybe she'll do better. I hope she's ready for me.

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I don't think we aries are good at balance, well more so that we aren't naturally inclined toward balance... I think we can find some semblance of it, but it takes a lot of work and figuring oneself out.

I'm doing better finding balance. I seem to have bounced back and forth on the two ends of carefree and very controlled/restricted. I've been living in that highly controlled world for years now, and I'm finally learning to loosen up a bit again.

Yes, you have a whole heap of responsibility coming soon.. It won't be easy, that's true. But remember that there is joy to be found/had in that responsibility too. Share your love of arts, finger paint in the baby food on the table, she'll grow fast- indulge in your retail therapy with cute little outfits as she grows, dance to the silly songs by great kids musicians like the Laurie Berkner band (some of these songs feel good in my soul too), see the world anew through fresh, innocent, not-jaded eyes.

But also take time for mommy. Remember that its not BAD to want time for yourself, to do nice things for yourself. Nurture yourself. Get in the habit as the the pregnancy matures..

When are you due? I keep forgetting..

I may be coming down around Christmas, my brother has offered to pay our way and let us stay at his house.. If I do, I'll definitely come see you.. I wish I could be there with/for you.

<3

I didn't know you were pregnant. I missed some of your posts because I haven't read my freinds page consistently lately. I wish you all the best though.