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Jul. 18th, 2009 02:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elyouci'm in ohio. so many thoughts running through my head. should be sound asleep by now but i'm still bothered...
honestly this is one of the times when i shouldn't say anything because i have nothing good or positive to say.
it's been a positive experience in many regards. i enjoy meeting steve's family. they are pretty nice and i feel for them. i understand the family dynamics better now. i am sad for his mother who married an alcoholic and is regretful of her decision to stay with him. i emphatisize with what she's going through even though i've only been with steve for a year now, but i can see how he's turned out the way he is, how her sister behaves how she does now, how everybody are finding ways to escape the past through destructive ends. i guess in many ways steve is passed it, some.. but he still insists on bringing the kegerator and his bar supplies down to our house in florida. it upsets me. i wanna leave him because i don't want to look back in my life and feel the same regret his mother feels for living with an alcoholic, however functioning. i don't want that for myself either and in retrospect, i feel like that was the path i was on. i have to wonder why i am drawn to addicts. he wants us to be more stable before he even considers marrying me. i go back and forth with what i want. part of him knows why i'm with him. we keep each other out of trouble, but life can be hell with the two of us. we're a match and it's disturbing to me. i don't want to admit that. he is loving and adoring. i am capable of being that, too. but i know all too well how difficult i am and i'm the least bit stable with my moods and behavior. i sometimes wish things felt more simple. i just can't see it right now. this is the card i was handed. while i say to steve's mother, she can change it, change her life, leave her unhappiness behind, i feel that while the desire and desperation is there, she simple feels stuck. i feel stuck. i've shared this feeling so many times by now. how i feel powerless. how i feel helpless. how i feel like i'm broken. i just can't seem to do anything about it. i can make life better for myself. i can see the better side of things. but all the same, i feel like it's a lie. i don't really know what i'm saying.. i just feel lost and hopeless.. hanging by a thread. accepting the sadness. accepting this life. i want to break the pattern our mothers set forth, but it seems like an ongoing cycle. do you struggle through knowing you might look back and feel like you've made a mistake? she says she realized things too late. i am realizing maybe i am hearing these things for a reason. maybe there's a message i might be missing... maybe i'm not listening to what my heart is saying. it says i don't want to hurt anymore. i just need to go to sleep now
honestly this is one of the times when i shouldn't say anything because i have nothing good or positive to say.
it's been a positive experience in many regards. i enjoy meeting steve's family. they are pretty nice and i feel for them. i understand the family dynamics better now. i am sad for his mother who married an alcoholic and is regretful of her decision to stay with him. i emphatisize with what she's going through even though i've only been with steve for a year now, but i can see how he's turned out the way he is, how her sister behaves how she does now, how everybody are finding ways to escape the past through destructive ends. i guess in many ways steve is passed it, some.. but he still insists on bringing the kegerator and his bar supplies down to our house in florida. it upsets me. i wanna leave him because i don't want to look back in my life and feel the same regret his mother feels for living with an alcoholic, however functioning. i don't want that for myself either and in retrospect, i feel like that was the path i was on. i have to wonder why i am drawn to addicts. he wants us to be more stable before he even considers marrying me. i go back and forth with what i want. part of him knows why i'm with him. we keep each other out of trouble, but life can be hell with the two of us. we're a match and it's disturbing to me. i don't want to admit that. he is loving and adoring. i am capable of being that, too. but i know all too well how difficult i am and i'm the least bit stable with my moods and behavior. i sometimes wish things felt more simple. i just can't see it right now. this is the card i was handed. while i say to steve's mother, she can change it, change her life, leave her unhappiness behind, i feel that while the desire and desperation is there, she simple feels stuck. i feel stuck. i've shared this feeling so many times by now. how i feel powerless. how i feel helpless. how i feel like i'm broken. i just can't seem to do anything about it. i can make life better for myself. i can see the better side of things. but all the same, i feel like it's a lie. i don't really know what i'm saying.. i just feel lost and hopeless.. hanging by a thread. accepting the sadness. accepting this life. i want to break the pattern our mothers set forth, but it seems like an ongoing cycle. do you struggle through knowing you might look back and feel like you've made a mistake? she says she realized things too late. i am realizing maybe i am hearing these things for a reason. maybe there's a message i might be missing... maybe i'm not listening to what my heart is saying. it says i don't want to hurt anymore. i just need to go to sleep now
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-19 01:32 pm (UTC)If you are noticing destructive patterns in yourself and/or Steve, now is the time to do something- start therapy, leave him if you must, it will only get worse as time goes on and be harder to do anything about because you will have more excuses more "shoulds" in your mind, more attachments, less time due to caring for your lovely daughter, etc etc etc.
I do think a counselor could help you sort out whether this was a healthy relationship, a bad one to be in, if its your perceptions/you that needs to change, or him, or both.. etc.
I love you dearly and hate to see you feeling thus, but I also understand the nature of a lot of what you're feeling. I wonder at times am I repeating some of what I went through as a child. Did I pick a loner that is cynical and pessimistic, because though not directed at me, it is comfortingly similar to the abuse I had in my past. But often I realize that I interpret him wrong, that I am hypersensitive to things because they do stir up old memories. Other times I have learned that I do need to draw a boundary and say enough is enough. But overall I have realized that this relationship has been very good for me, I have been safer and more supported than ever in my life and from that I have been able to begin to confront all of this and figure out how to start to change and grow. I also realized through counseling that my moods weren't something I had to put up with and that they were not soley, but pretty tied to my period.. and since starting Yaz birth control I've felt more stable than ever, that I'm not on this crazy rollercoaster of uncontrollable ups and downs.
I wish I were out there for you. I wish we had a spare bedroom you could escape to for a time to figure things out. *hugs*
I do believe I am coming out there in December around Xmas time. Will you be available at all? When are you due ? much love.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-19 01:42 pm (UTC)"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing" by Beverly Engel
"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming your Life" by Susan Forward
Benerly Engle has other books that I'd imagine are just as good and are similar to this one.. Even if you don't think it applies to your current relationship, it talks a lot about how past relationships, even father/daughter etc affect current, and I found it very helpful..
The toxic parents book is good too, has a chapter or two on alcoholics.. there are two versions, I read the older one because it is what my library had... Check your local library, see if they have them.
Call me if you need to love. If you need my number again email me on myspace. M-F I'm usually off work at 5pm here, so after 7pm your time.